In the depths of the dark I hear her screaming and think “ffs it’s dark outside”. She’s been crying out in the night for 3 nights running.
My little legs, who is an exceptional sleeper, won’t sleep. She’s fidgety, she’s clingy and it’s fucking annoying. You go into her room and she’s standing at her cot. Nothing wrong. You do the normal check, teeth, bum, temperature and all of a sudden, she’s bouncing. It’s fucking dark outside, go to sleep.
When you think it’s going well, it’s manageable. When it’s going wrong you question your ability as a mother.
What am I missing?
What did I do differently yesterday to today?
What did she eat?
Did she eat enough?
Has she got a tummy upset?
Did she have enough water?
Did she fall and I didn’t notice?
What is wrong with her?
“Oh it’s separation anxiety” they say. “What you have to do is…….”
“Or it could be night terrors”
“Have you checked it’s not her teeth”
“oh it’s Sleep regression. My one had it”.
Everyone and their mother come to offer you advice.
Have you tried this. Have you tried that.
Sometimes you feel so inadequate.
Thing is, I was successful.
I had a career.
I was a high achiever.
I went after my dreams.
I was happy.
My future was bright.
And now…..well I’m out of my comfort zone.
I have ZERO control
I don’t feel like it tonight, I just want to sleep and my fucking sleep bank is empty, god damn it!
Now I’m just a mum.
A hard job.
But that’s just not “me”.
I struggle with just being a mum.
- I’m creative.
- I’m intelligent.
- I’m fiercely independent.
I need an outlet.
I need independence
I need to feel something, anything, other than looking around the house thinking it’s a mess.
I don’t get excited about an empty washing basket, or making 3 meals a day.
I don’t get excited about going to soft play either.
I’m not a helicopter Mum. I’m me, but who am I, now I’m just a mum?
“What have you been doing all day ” they say.
Oh I’ve been to soft play.
I’ve been to a friends and drunk and entire bottle of Prosecco because quite frankly, it’s Monday and what else have I got to do, other than look after a kid!
“Oh i wish I could have a day off, like you. You have it easy”!!!!!!!
If only they knew how hard it was, just to get to the shop and get fucking milk.
When I wake up in the morning and he’s eaten the last bit of bread, I have visions of me poking him in the eye with a corkscrew. Just to get to the shop is a mission….has she had something to eat, has she done a poo, the 3rd one of the day and it’s only 9am!
I’m amazed some days that I even manage to get dressed.
Yes it’s getting easier in some ways, but FML what happened to just getting up and going somewhere without taking a suitcase out with you.
Just a stay over night looks like a week away to a foreign country.
“Oh are you going away?” the neighbour asks, “No, she is though, for the night”
I’m just a mum but I need a fucking medal.
I want a fucking medal!
I want some distinction to say that I’m doing a great job and that this is all normal.
I want a weekend off
I want a holiday.
I want a spa day.
“when are you having another one”. Well, maybe when my crutch has recovered from the stitches, maybe, erh, fucking never!
What is it with people asking you about having another one, when clearly you look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards and you have dark circles around your eyes which suggests broken sleep for the last 10 months!
This rather long blog post or maybe it’s a story, it certainly isn’t fiction though, it’s my life, but whatever this is, it’s me saying that no matter what, every inch of my body, at a cellular level craves creativity.
I crave, me.
When I first started my business, I knew it was to motivate and inspire others to do what they damn well liked. As I go through all this transition, I am remarked at how much this is still true, it’s just my clientele has changed.
How can I possibly relate to men now? “Oh do excuse the screaming baby in the background, she’ll be quiet in a mo”. It’s too murky. Some may understand, some may not and won’t want to do business with this crazy, unprofessional Motha!
But a business Motha, well she will get it. She will relate. She will sit there and think “I remember those days oh so well”. They will congratulate me and say “well done” for still showing up. They will say “it will get easier, honestly” Instead of the tripe that most other mums come out with. Business mums are all about solutions, they will offer you advice on how to keep on top of things.
To work with mums who want a business, or want to uplevel in their business brings me joy, but it also means that I get to spend my days how I like.
If I choose to put Little legs into nursery, I can do that because I will have earnt the money to do so.
If I want to work 10 hours a week, then I can do that because it’s my vision.
If I want to spend the afternoon snuggled up (when she learns to snuggle!) and watch Disney movies, then I can do that because it’s the life I’ve created.
If I want to take her to Networking days and have a childminder to look after her, I can do that, because I would rather she come with me and experience what it’s like.
If I want to take her to a business meeting, I will, because I want her to know that you can still do whatever you want, with a baby – it’s about breaking rules and your vision.
And if, when she’s older and wants to do what she damn well likes, I will show her how she can do that and make her own footprints in the sand.
After all, I’m an inadequate Motha!
I don’t want you living a half arsed life
I don’t want you to fill unfulfilled and like your a second class citizen
You are amazing
You need a medal and I can give you one, but more importantly, I can help you gain clarity on which way to turn.
Where you want to go in this life
Where to turn your creativity
Where to gain visibility
Teach you to show up, as you, your authentic self.
And if you want to be a Motha, who is in an inspiration to your kids, then it’s time to invest in you.
It’s time to show the world what you have got to offer, other than cooking 3 meals a day and shoving a Hoover around the house.
This life is more than an empty washing basket.
It’s more than a soft play centre.
It’s about fun / peace / independence / connections / collaborations and building a biz that makes you light up.
If you want to be part of an awesome group of Bizzy Motha’s, then come and join my FB group for extra support and step away from the craziness….or back into it!!! You can join here.
I will see you on the other side, my beautiful, awe inspiring, motha.